Series: UPPER HAND (Jan. 29th-Feb. 19th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

We all deal with authority. Whether it’s our students dealing with parents, teachers and coaches or us as adults in our work relationships, marriages and finances—authority is everywhere. As teenagers, most of us believe that if we can just grow up and get out—out of high school and out of our parent’s house—we will be free from authority. But the truth is, authority is always an issue. No matter how grown up we are we never outgrow authority. When we look at what the Bible has to say about it, we realize that authority isn’t a bad thing. If we can learn how to respond to authority now—both the good and the bad—we will reap the benefits for the rest of our lives.

Session 1: The Purpose (Jan. 29^th)

Authority isn’t a word that most of us feel comfortable with. But for those of us who call ourselves Christians, authority—and how we deal with it—matters, because God created authority with a purpose and for a reason. He knows that when we step outside of authority, we do more harm to ourselves than it’s worth. We put ourselves in a vulnerable position. Even when everything in us wants to fight against it, true freedom is actually found within the bounds of authority. 

Session 2: The Problem (Feb. 5^th)

We’ve established that authority is a necessary part of life. But what do we do when a person in authority abuses their power? What do we do when an authority is simply bad? David knew a little bit about what it was like to be under a poor authority. And the way he chose to deal with it gives us a glimpse into how He trusted God. Because while he couldn’t control the abusive authority he was under, he could control how he reacted to that authority. And his example reminds us that how we react to a poor authority is ultimately a reflection of our trust in the God who put it there to begin with.

Session 3: The Pay Off (Feb. 19^th)

It’s pretty hard to mention the word authority and not think of the predominant authority figures in our lives—our parents. This relationship is the first place we come face-to-face with the frustrations and realities of dealing with authority. But it’s also the place where we get to practice how to deal with it in a healthy way while the stakes are low. Because whether it’s our parents, our teachers, our bosses or—ultimately—God, we are all under authority. And learning to honor those authorities now will benefit us for the rest of our lives.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Can you remember the worst argument you ever had with your parents? Not just some little tiff over a bad attitude or a snarky comeback, but the kind of moment where you felt like your rights as an individual were on the line; that felt like a personal declaration of independence?

I remember one such occasion. I desperately wanted to go with a group of friends to see a rock concert. I was a junior in high school. I could drive. I had a part-time job. I had no major infractions on my teenage record. For all intents and purposes, I believed I was an adult. Except that I was only 17 and my parents still had the final say on how I spent my time once the clock ticked past 8 pm, especially on a weeknight. I was asking them if I could go with a group of friends—predominantly guys—to downtown Los Angeles to see a rock band play a huge concert. Obviously, I was stepping way outside my bounds. But when my mom told me no—when she explained that it would be absolutely unwise of her to let me go—I still had a meltdown that resembled a three-year-old temper tantrum. I was absolutely mortified. I went back and forth every way I could with my mom. Negotiation became the name of the game. What if I drive myself with another girlfriend and promise to be home by midnight? What if I only go for the first half of the concert? What if I actually let YOU drive me down? No matter how hard I tried, the answer was still “no.”

Needless to say, I was not very happy with my mom for quite awhile. But, ultimately, I complied. And two days after the concert, I was glad I did. When the reports came in from friends about what was going on both before and after the show, I knew that I wasn’t ready to handle what would’ve been right in front of me that night. But something more than my safety was gained in the moment my mom said no and I pushed back. There was dialogue. I was able to present my case and actually talk with my mom, as an almost-adult, about why I wanted to go. And here’s the thing: As I made my case to my mom, with tears in my eyes, about why I simply HAD to go, I felt my own case unraveling. As my mom and I went back and forth about who was going to be there, what was happening before and after the show and how late I would really be out, I started to get the sense that I was making a pretty poor case. Suddenly, even though my mom was the true authority and would have the final say, something inside of me said that this really wasn’t a good idea after all. Ultimately, the ability to push back allowed me to figure out on my own what my mom was trying to tell me all along.

This wrestling, this pushing back, may have been frustrating for my mom in the moment, but in the long run, it was a really good thing! Not that disobedience is okay. It’s not and that is a separate issue. But the ability to talk something out, to push back, to wrestle and negotiate creates something that is way more valuable than a simple “Yes, Sir” or “Yes, Ma’am”; it creates movement towards independence, autonomy and a transfer of authority from you, as the parent, to your student, themself.

An article published in Psychology Today in May of 2011 speaks to this idea of transferring an adolescent’s authority from their parent to themselves—something all of us need to be able to do to become healthy, whole adults. Here is an excerpt from the article: (You can read the full article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201105/adolescence-and-parental-authority.)

Come adolescence, parents often won't get exactly what they want, exactly how they want it done, exactly when they want it done, and that's okay. The older the adolescent grows the more she pushes back against parental authority. And this opposition is functional.

After all, if the young person ended up adolescence in the early to mid twenties content to live life entirely on parental terms, then independence would never be taken. That's the downside of excessive parental authority …

Although adolescents still need the preparation and protection of parental authority, they also need more experience of becoming their own authority if they are ever to become functionally independent. Turning over increased amounts of responsibility to the teenager is how this education in becoming one's own authority is done.

That's right. The final battle for independence at the end of adolescence is not against parental authority, but against one's own …

And yet, at last relieved of their role as authority and of all the responsibility that went with it, parents have actually won in their own way. They have finally worked themselves out of a job. Now for good and ill, their son or daughter is finally in charge.

So the next time you ask your son or daughter to do something—or not to—and they ask “why?” take a moment, breath and be thankful, because their willingness to ask that question is a good step in the direction of adulthood. And after they have asked the question and you have answered it, kindly remind them that you, as the parent, still expect them to listen and, ultimately, honor your authority through obeying.

3. Action Point

Choose your battle.

Every student/parent relationship has its hot button topics. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, a certain friendship, an issue with a grade or a teacher … there are always issues that students and parents struggle to see eye-to-eye on. What are those particular struggles between you and your student? Where does your student feel like he or she wants to have more say? Where are the areas that you feel like your student needs to be under your authority and more compliant?

Choose a time to go out with your student—whether to coffee, dinner, a walk, a drive—somewhere you can talk—preferably in a different place than where your most heated arguments take place—and work through, in a civil way, one of these hot-button issues.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: BABEL (Jan. 8th-22nd)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

What does a tower in ancient times built to reach the heavens and a cell phone have in common? A lot more than you think. The people responsible for the tower of Babel, the uh Babel-ers we’ll call them, took the technology, the tools of their day and used them in a way that elevated themselves and took God out of the picture. And the reality is that you and I have tools in our hands, the technology of our day, that we take and use in similar ways. The technology itself isn’t bad or good. It’s neutral. But like the people of Babel, how we choose to use the technology is important—it reflects the kind of relationship we have with it. And the right kind of relationship with technology will help us to do the right kinds of things with it.

• Session One: I <3 Technology (Jan. 8^th) 

  Many of us are in a serious relationship—with technology. We love it. We need it. It’s a big part of our lives. But some of us could care less. We’re just not that into it. We don’t need to text someone every minute. Some of us don’t even have a Facebook page. (Gasp.) But whether we are totally committed to it, or could easily see our lives without it, we can’t escape the reality that technology exists in our lives. And that’s not always a bad thing. Because technology isn’t evil. But what we do with it, how we use it, says a lot about our relationship with it.

• Session Two: My Profile (Jan. 15^th) 

  Who are you? That’s a good question. You can let everyone know who you think you are. You can upload pictures, list out your likes and dislikes and have people comment on your clever posts—allowing other people to get an idea of who you are. But what if in the effort to try to manipulate our identity we have lost sight of who we really are? And who are we really? Who really has that say? Technology gives you the illusion that you do, but what if our real identity went much deeper than what our latest status or profile said of us? Technology does not have the final word on who we are. It never has. But who does?

• Session Three: Social Network (Jan. 22^nd) 

  Today’s technology gives us the ability to connect with people in more ways than ever before. And with that ability comes an incredible power—the capacity to affect other people. We can use technology to encourage people or show compassion. We can use technology to help people in need. Or we can use technology to hurt, slander or even destroy someone. So how will you use technology? How will you use this tool to affect the people around you?

We know that many of you have set up guidelines for your kids about how and when they can use different pieces of technology like Facebook, texting, etc. We want you to know that we will uphold those values in our messages. We want to partner with you in creating healthy boundaries and guidance for your students in how they use the technology around them. If you have any questions about how we will be presenting this material, please feel free to ask.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

Most people know teenagers have technology issues. Here’s an interesting article that might help you understand your teenager—and how they really feel about technology and social media—a little bit better:

 http://www.dougfields.com/posts/inforgraphic-teens-wired/

We all think our students have addictions and issues with their technological devices. But if you took away an adult’s connection with the outside world—their cell phone, Facebook or Twitter accounts, texting or computer—many of us would find it hard to function too. Technology is a part of all of our lives, not just a student’s. And it’s become such a big part, that many of us aren’t even conscious of how much we check that phone or FB—even in a place you might least expect it. Here’s an article from the Fuller Youth Institute to give us a little food for thought on this idea of technology, and how it affects all of us.

The happiest place to text

By Brad Griffin

Recently I spent a day at Disneyland with my family, riding rides and battling crowds at the “Happiest place on earth.” Despite my cynicism for over-commercialized places and my frustration about marketing to kids…we had a great day and my kids had a blast.

But there was one thing that distracted me over and over throughout the day. It wasn’t all the teenagers attached to their cell phones—I actually saw most of the teenagers engaged in real-life conversations with the people around them.

It was the parents.

I couldn’t help but notice how many parents of kids of all ages were getting off rides and immediately checking their email and text inbox, ripping back responses as they floated behind their kids to the next attraction. Maybe they were bored out of their minds to be spending the day with their kids, but I doubt it. Maybe they were just distracted at that ONE time at the point I happened to see them (and I happened to catch about a hundred of them at just the right time).

Or maybe they forgot what boundaries are and how to give their kids the gift of presence.

I get a lot of things wrong in parenting. But the more I saw this behavior, the more I was determined to completely ignore my phone (and it was my birthday!) to be present to my kids. I have to wonder, though: if this is what kids see at Disneyland from the adults around them (parents or otherwise), what are we as a culture showing them day after day in our “normal” lives?

I suspect that if we want them to put their phones down every now and then, we have to go first.

Originally published at http://fulleryouthinstitute.org. Reprinted with permission from the Fuller Youth Institute.

3. Action Point

In the above article, Brad Griffin talks about “going first” in the battle to create boundaries around the technology that is present in our everyday lives. It’s not that we have to delete our Facebook account or throw our iPhones out the window for dramatic effect. But we do have the opportunity to model good technology boundaries to our kids so they can start to think critically about the technology that surrounds them everyday, and how they choose to use it.

The XP for this series encourages your student to take a break from a particular technology or social media tool for one week. You may have heard the moaning and groaning already if your student has made the choice to participate. So, in the spirit of unity and empathy, we are encouraging you to do the same. For this action point, you are going to make a list of your top 5 favorite social media/technology tools (i.e., Facebook, Twitter, texting, cell phone, phone apps, etc.). Once you have your list, prioritize each of them from one to five (one being the most important/most used and five being the easiest to live without).

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Just as your student has made a commitment to fast from a technology tool for one week, you are going to get rid of the number five on your list for the next week. (We’ve tried to make it easier by giving you the option to get rid of your number five, but feel free to get serious and axe number one on your list.) Sit down and show your student your list and then let them know which particular technology you are fasting from. In order to help you both stick to your fast, choose a reward—some sort of activity or special outing—that you and your student can look forward to once you both make it through the week without using your chosen technology. Encourage each other throughout the week and check in to see how things are going. At the end of the week—either during your reward outing or maybe during a mealtime or your morning drive to school—ask each other these questions:

1. Was this fast from technology easier or harder than you thought it would be?
2. What was the hardest part?
3. Were there any unexpected benefits that came from giving up this particular technology? If so, what were they?
4. Do you think you would be able to give up this particular technology long term? If not, could you use it on a more limited basis?
5. Name one way that you could use this particular technology to help others or to do something good for someone else.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.