Evolve: Coming Alongside Your Teen

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

When we were growing up, our family was everything to us. They were the safe place to run to. They were the calm in the storm. They were the people whose opinions we trusted most and whose advice we took to heart. But over the years, especially the teen years, the voices of our mom and dad become more like nails on a chalkboard than the sweet sound of comfort. So what happened? Our relationship evolved. And while that isn’t necessarily the most comfortable thing in the world for a teenager to go through, it also isn’t the worst thing either. So what do we do as our students become less and less willing to listen to the wisdom their families give? How do we handle the everyday conflicts that come up between students and their families? These are important questions worth finding answers to. Because, let’s face it, the relationship is changing. But as difficult as this may be to handle right now, that change can be for the good of everyone.

2. Be a Student of Your Student

One of the toughest aspects of the teenage years is the growing feeling our students have that the conflicts within their families are actually their own fault. And maybe as a parent, you hear that and agree that most of the developing conflict is the fault of your teenager. You may find yourself thinking if you could just fix them, things would be better. There is no doubt our teenagers have some attitude adjustments that need to be made and some issues that need to be dealt with. That comes with the parenting territory at any age. And while we are taking a look at how we can help them through their teen years, it’s also a good time to take a look at our own actions and reactions within our family to figure out how we can actually escalate or diffuse the tensions that arise.

As we experience anxiety in our own marital relationships, work relationships, friendships and even our own view of ourselves, it’s important to remember not to project these anxieties onto our children.

Because your teenager it not your best friend.

Your teenager is not a licensed counselor.

Your teenager is not responsible for the tension between you and your boss or you and your spouse or you and your other children.

As Rhett Smith (MDiv, LMFT-A), a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, and part-time pastor to youth and families at Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas, Texas explains in his article entitled “Managing Anxiety in the Family: Strategies for Changing our Relationship Dance” (fulleryouthinstitute.org), “If we really want to have healthy families, often we need to begin with the adults in the family taking responsibility for themselves. Rather than point the finger at our kids because they might be convenient scapegoats for our anxiety and conflict, real transformation lies within a family’s ability to do the hard work that relationships require.”

While this is solid advice, it can be really difficult to do! In the book Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, Reggie Joiner points out that one of the best tools to help you walk the journey with your teenager is to “Widen the Circle.” In other words, it’s important to invite other healthy adults into the life of your family; adults who are committed to your children and your family for no other reason than that they care. And this is also a great way to begin to develop processes for taking a look at how our family functions and how we can develop the most healthy family possible.

With this in mind, your student will be invited to participate in an XP, or experience, that encourages them to choose some wise people to help guide them through middle and senior high school. And, we have also encouraged them to include you in the process. Look forward to some more information from your student’s small group leader after week 2 of this series.

Our teenagers are dealing with so many pressures and competing voices. Our best bet is to set them up for success by being their champion and a safe place for them to unload their woes and worries. While this may not be an easy thing to do, it is important for us as parents to start with ourselves and look at how we play into the tension within our family relationships. We are the best place to start when addressing the health of our families.

3. Action Point

While it may seem like there are very few things we can agree with our students on while in the middle of these tumultuous teenage years, we probably all have a similar goal in mind for our families. We want to be functional. We want to be healthy. We want to do everything we can to set ourselves up for success. And this may require some hard work—on everyone’s part. But, as parents we should be leading the way here.

So, as you get a glimpse into how your family is changing and evolving, sit down and ask yourself the following questions, taking the time to be introspective and answering honestly—as difficult as that might be.  Then sit down with your teenager and ask them the specified questions that follow.

Parent Questions:

1. How can you learn not to be reactive but to take a step back and get some perspective on the tension and issues within your family?
2. What can you do to help your children see a patient and in-control parent in the midst of conflict?
3. How would you feel about letting someone else into your family dynamics in order to bring the most health to your family relationships?
4. Who would you consider to be trustworthy to confide in about your family and the potential issues and struggles you face?
5. Are you opposed to seeking outside counsel from a pastor or Christian counselor? Why or why not?

Student Questions

1. Think about some families that you know and enjoy spending time around. What makes them comfortable and fun to spend time with? Try to share a particular experience that you’ve had with this family.
2. What are some things you have seen or experienced this family do that you admire?
3. What are some things that you would enjoy doing together with your own family?
4. What are some characteristics of you’re your family that you really like? Why?
5. How do you feel about the interactions you have with each of the people in your own family? Is there one person you have an easier time relating to compared to the others? Is there one person you have a harder time relating to compared to the others? Why do you think this is?
6. What is one way that you would like to see your family change and grow?
7. What can you begin doing this week to make that change happen?

After answering the previous questions, ask your teen to help you make a list of 5 family goals for the following year (i.e. have a family meal together once a week to connect and re-assess the above questions, commit to spending one radio/cell phone­­-free drive to or from school per week to just talk, research and set up a family counseling session, etc.).

To Read Rhett Smith’s entire article, go to http://fulleryouthinstitute.org/2011/06/managing-anxiety-in-the-family/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

 

Feb.16-March 1 Series Overview (Evolve)

When we were growing up, our family was everything to us. They were the safe place to run to. They were the calm in the storm. They were the people whose opinions we trusted most and whose advice we took to heart. But over the years, especially the teen years, the voices of our mom and dad become more like nails on a chalkboard than the sweet sound of comfort. So what happened? Our relationship evolved. And while that isn’t necessarily the most comfortable thing in the world for a teenager to go through, it also isn’t the worst thing either. So what do we do as our students become less and less willing to listen to the wisdom their families give? How do we handle the everyday conflicts that come up between students and their families? These are important questions worth finding answers to. Because, let’s face it, the relationship is changing. But as difficult as this may be to handle right now, that change can be for the good of everyone.

Session One: Adapt (Feb. 16th)

Bottom Line: Growing away from our families feels uncomfortable, but it’s an essential part of growing up.
Summer turns into fall and the leaves change. The cold weather creeps in and suddenly winter is upon us. Seasons are a good thing. They remind us that everything changes and progresses. And when it comes to families, sometimes we need that reminder too. As our students adjust to no longer being just a son or daughter, but also being a friend, a schoolmate, an athlete, a musician—or whatever else might begin to define who they are—they sometimes need the reminder that all this change is normal. That the tension this change brings is normal. And while the changing way they relate to their parents may feel weird, it’s not only good—it’s necessary. The key is learning to live in the tension that changing from season to season requires.

Session Two: Adjust (Feb. 23rd)
Bottom Line: When your parents are no longer the primary voice speaking into your life, you need someone else speaking into your life with wisdom.
When the world is caving in and your students just need someone to talk to, the first person they run to is their mom or dad, right? No? Then who do they go to when they need a listening ear? A best friend? Anyone who will listen? In Proverbs, Solomon encourages us to seek wisdom. And while parents may be full of wisdom, they aren’t always the first people our students choose to run to. So maybe, as the relationship with their parents changes and grows, we need to help our teenagers find someone else who can be that voice of wisdom in their lives. And finding that new voice could mean that students offer their parents some peace of mind. Because while their parents may not be hearing everything, someone is, and that someone cares for this student and the choices they are making.

Session Three: Advance (March 1st)
Bottom Line: Wherever you are in your family relationships right now, your goal should be making less of yourself and more of Jesus.
“If there is a season for everything, then when is this one going to end?” Maybe this is what you’ve been hearing over the course of this series. But here’s the thing: Perspective in the here and now matters. While it may be hard for your students not to focus on the future—and where they’ll be when they’re anywhere but where they are now—the present matters. But how can our students learn how to live with less of themselves and more of what matters most—Jesus? Who and what are getting the final say in their lives? The future may look like a better place to your students, but while the relationship with their parents will change, it will never completely disappear. Ultimately, we want to help students begin dealing with the present conflicts—learning to take on the character of Christ in the midst of the relational challenges they face right now.