Series: BRANDED (Jan. 7th - Jan. 21st)

1. We’re Teaching this.

Branding- it’s everywhere. You can’t turn on the TV or drive down the street without seeing hundreds of ads and billboards. Companies spend millions of dollars trying to shape how YOU see THEM, developing their brand. But what about the Church? What are WE known for? Philippians chapter 2, has a lot to say about the way we love others. As we unpack this chapter, we discover that our love for people, both inside and outside the church, ultimately determines what we are known for—our brand.

Session 1: Unified (1/7)

Being branded is a reality. We can’t escape it. Based on any number of things, people will brand us with something—positive or negative. In a series of letters, the apostle Paul urged the churches he served to guard their brand-their identity-by choosing to “agree with one another whole heartedly” and extend the love and acceptance that they had experienced to others. What Paul knew was that by being known for these things we develop a positive brand and gain influence in the world around us.

Session 2: Unselfish (1/14)

Isn’t it true—fair or unfair—that Christians sometimes have a negative brand? If not by people you know, then by culture itself? Don’t some people just assume that Christians are going to be self-righteous, judgmental, maybe even closed-minded, or worst of all, boring? Believe it or not, church was never supposed to be like this. In fact, it’s almost as if Paul anticipated this problem when he reminds us to live unselfishly, to be known for looking out for others interests more than our own. By doing this, we can change our brand little by little.

Session 3: Unique (1/21)

What makes a person appealing? What is it about them that makes you want to spend more time with them? When it comes to the Christians, usually the passion a person has for their faith and the way they treat others are what makes people want to run toward them or run away. The apostle Paul encourages us to shine like bright lights and live in a way that attracts other people to our faith. What if the most important thing we could do for the world around is to live in such a way that others see our faith and want to join in?

2. Think About This

From Losing Your Marbles / Playing for Keeps by Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, Elizabeth Hansen

I remember a few years ago when I was leading a small group and one of the girls had stopped attending. I knew she was making some unwise choices related to drinking, and she was choosing not to come to church anymore because she didn’t want to feel judged. But here’s the interesting thing: she still liked hanging out. We would meet from time to time, at Starbucks, at a school event,—anywhere that she knew we would have fun. And
in those moments, I didn’t talk about her decisions. She knew what I thought. But I knew at that juncture in her life, it was more important to have fun and stay connected than to continue reminding her of something she already knew.

Hint: most kids and teenagers shut down when you take the eye-to-eye, “let’s talk about what’s going on” approach, they tend to talk when they’re engaged in a fun activity, not making eye contact, and feel in control of the agenda.

If you’re a parent, you may need to set aside time with your kids when you agree not to discuss their issues. This can be especially true if they are in a tough season of life. When the tension is high, you need a scheduled break—just to have fun together.

It’s not that fun is the most important thing. If you give teenagers words and stories that are boring, they may not care. If you belong to a tribe that never laughs, they won’t want to be a part of it.

So whatever you do this week,

make it fun.

3. Try This

When is the last time your family had fun without an agenda? No strings attached, fun? No lesson involved, fun? No obligations to the baseball team, work picnic, church activity or school involved, fun?

Maybe it’s time for that.

Ask your student for ideas on something that they think would be really fun to do as a family. Students tend to engage more when they have some input into which activity is chosen. Say something like this, “I think it’s time we do something fun as a family. How would you feel about planning it?” Some students really like to go to the mall. Others hate it. Some would love to play mini-golf with their family. Others would cringe at the idea. Allowing them to plan the event, offering some ownership, can help students have a positive attitude and prevent the dreaded eye-roll.  

As parents, sometimes the idea of a family event can be intimidating. “What if my teenager doesn’t want to be seen in public with me?”  That’s the great thing about letting THEM choose. They may choose a big night out but or they may ask for a simple movie night in the house. Choose to have fun together no matter what you do!  Simply spending time together as a family without fighting can go a long way in easing the tension between parents and teens.

Make a commitment on your part to do the activity—no agenda, no complaining, and no lecturing. So give them a budget limit, if appropriate, and let them be as creative or as simple as they want

Just have fun together. Remember, the goal is to let students know you not only love them, but you like them and what better way to communicate that than by hanging out with them and having fun?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: CHRISTMAS BEHIND THE SCENES (Dec.10th - Dec.17th)

1. We’re Teaching this.

We’ve all seen the nativity with perfectly positioned characters, well-behaved animals, and a holy glow surrounding it all. We see everyone in the scene as if they are one big happy family celebrating the first, and probably the only, perfect Christmas. Contrast this perfect picture with our own lives, our own families and holiday drama, and we may feel the Christmas story looks nothing like our own. But what if you able to pull back the curtain and see past the picture-perfect silent night? When we look closely, we find that the REAL Christmas story, the uncut, behind-the-scenes version looks more like our own than we would have ever imagined. And the same God who scripted these imperfect characters into His story is calling to join him there as well.

Session 1: Messy (12/10)

Have you ever looked at a crowd of people and wondered where you fit? Most of us have. For many of us, this feeling is especially noticeable at Christmastime. In the busyness of family plans and the frenzy of crowded malls, we find ourselves a little lost, wondering if we even matter. In this way, not much has changed since the first Christmas. A dirty group of shepherds with a poor reputation were the last group anyone would have expected to play a key role in God’s story. And they remind us that no matter how insignificant we feel, no matter how much we think we know who God will or won’t use, we all have a part to play.

Session 2: Awkward (12/17)

Why does it seem people get so crazy around the holidays. Whether their fighting with their family or fighting for the best bargain, emotions seem to run a little higher this time of year. And when emotions are involved, everything is more complicated. Joseph was a young man with some big decisions. With a pregnant fiancé and his reputation on the line, there were a ton of emotions and no clear answer. For Joseph to move forward with God, he had to move past his emotions.  In his story we find that choosing God’s direction over how we feel can be the most important decision we ever make. 

2. Think About This

On some level, Christmas brings out the inner child in everyone. Who doesn’t love twinkling lights, hot chocolate, and singing at a stranger’s door? Somewhere between the smell of baked cookies and the promise of a wrapped present, the familiar wonder of childhood Christmas returns. Of course, when we were children and everything seemed perfect, we were oblivious to the stress of our parents. We had no idea that the perfect tradition was grandma’s demand and not mom’s idea. No one told us that the budgeting caused tension or that “Santa” was up until 4am putting together that bike. All we remember is the warm memories and the feeling of perfection. And that’s what we try to pass on to our families.

While childhood wonder is a beautiful thing, trying to recreate every memory can be enough to drive any parent crazy. Add that pressure to the endless images of the happy, well-behaved families who portray what Christmas should be on TV. The result is moms, dads, and stepparents scrambling to add one more present, one more party, one more tradition, in hopes that their kids don’t get cheated out of the holiday experience. Somewhere in all of the going, doing and buying, our hopes for perfection can dissolve into a stressful frenzy to just get through it.

Wouldn’t it be nice if Christmas actually brought peace? To our families? To our schedules? What would it mean for your family to feel more unified and energized at the end of the holidays? Here are two ideas to consider:

Consider Letting Go of Something. Have you ever seen the child at the mall who clings to a toy? The one who swears to his mom that Christmas will be RUINED without it? In some ways, many adults act like that child, adding stress to their families by clinging to their own traditions (trust me, I’ve been there). They demand that the tradition continues. It’s no wonder the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:13, When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. Traditions are great. But if you find yourself clinging to them like a child, it may be time to put them behind you.

Take a Closer Look at the Nativity. The hiccups and imperfections of our holidays are not that different from the first Christmas. The Christmas narrative is a story of surprises and unexpected complications. An inexplicably pregnant teenager. A government requirement for taxes and travel. A pack of unkempt shepherds. They all leave the reader wondering how the angels could have possibly announced “Peace on Earth” as the headline for it all. Yet this is the Christmas we sing songs about. This is the Christmas we retell and reenact. Remembering the original Christmas is a great way to remind ourselves that the holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

Peace takes more planning than conflict. Rest takes more intentionality than frenzied rush. But those are the real memory makers. Those are the things that our children will pass on to our grandchildren. This season, would you commit to planning peace as a part of your family holiday experience?

3. Try This

It’s easy to get so overwhelmed by holiday plans that we lose the peace that Christmas was meant to bring To get everyone back to the same page, try reading the following devotion and discussing the questions as a family.

How would you define peace?

How can our family focus on peace this Christmas?

As a family, let’s consider focusing on peace with a 24-Hour Ceasefire. For the 24 hours of Christmas day, would we consider declaring a peace zone in our home and focus on how great God is?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

Series: TEN (Oct. 29th-Dec. 3rd)

1. We’re Teaching this.

Thirty-five hundred years ago Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with a short list of rules that has shaped the values of people and nations for centuries. We know them as the Ten Commandments, but do we really know them? Many people believe that the rules are a condition for a relationship with God, things we must do to get in His good graces. That is the opposite of the truth! The relationship came before the rules. And the commandments were meant to not only reveal God’s heart, but to keep His people free.

Session 1 Summary: Rules (10/29)

To many, Christianity is about following a set of rules. And if you asked them “Why?” they would point to a single source—the Bible. Specifically, they would probably mention the Ten Commandments. But what most people miss is the whole context for that list. God established a relationship with the Israelites long before He even gave them the rules. He wanted them to know they were His people. The reality is that following the rules will never make God love us more. In fact, when you try to live them out, you begin to see just how much you need Him. With God, the relationship always precedes the rules. Always.

Session 2 Summary: One & Only (11/5)

The first two commandments—“You shall have no other gods before me” and “You shall not make for yourself an idol”— are two of the most often forgotten. They have nothing to do with ego—in fact, they have more to do with us. If our lives revolved around God, then all of the other commandments, such as stealing, lying, adultery, etc., wouldn’t be an issue. So what would your life look like if you had no other gods but God?

Session 3 Summary: That’s Not My Name (11/12)

Have you ever said God’s name when you were angry or rattled off “OMG”? If so, you may have heard someone talk about you breaking one of the Ten—the one about misusing God’s name. But there’s much more to this command. Just think about it, do you think that’s all God was concerned about? Do you think that was the only reason He put it on such an important list? The reality is that we abuse God’s name when we choose to use it for our own selfish purposes—and that’s a dangerous game that involves more than just a careless slip of the tongue. If we dodge the will of God in the name of God, then we run the risk of missing God entirely.

Session 4 Summary: Do Nothing (11/19)

How crazy is your life? Doesn’t it seem like the weeks go by so fast? Okay, maybe not the school day or your shift at work—but the rest of your time, like your free time—how much of it seems to just disappear before you know it? What if you were more intentional with your time? More specifically, what if you spent time each week pausing, reflecting and acknowledging what God has done for you and everyone else the rest of the week? What if you took time to stop, rest and realize that no matter how much you thought you were in control of every minute, He was really in control all along?

Session 5 Summary: Unto Others (12/3)

The final six commandments illustrate a key truth about God—He cares a great deal about how we treat each other. In fact, these commandments were so revolutionary at the time because they showed that everyone had worth and value. God gave us these laws, not as some type of admissions test into heaven, but as instructions on how to live and be free in Him. He knows that not only is our relationship with Him important, but so are the relationships He has placed in our lives.

2. Think About This

From Losing Your Marbles / Playing for Keeps by Reggie Joiner, Kristen Ivy, Elizabeth Hansen

Most of you aren’t planning to pack up a duffle bag, walk out the door, and never turn around. But there are times, for many of us, when we (unintentionally) disengage emotionally.

There will come a time in every kid’s life when things get messy. Maybe they get sick. Maybe they become sad or hurt emotionally. Maybe they suffer a natural consequence to a decision they made. These aren’t
the kind of circumstances you create, and you certainly can’t change them—even though you might want to. But how you respond in these critical moments will forever impact your relationship. And it will affect the way they respond to and interpret their situations.

It’s interesting when you read the Bible and watch how God interacted with the Israelites in the Old Testament. He showed up. He gave them rules. And then they broke the rules, over and over and over again.
Maybe rules were made knowing they would be broken.
It’s not that rules weren’t made to be followed. I’m sure if we all followed every rule, there would be less anger, pain, and violence. When a rule is broken, it creates a unique opportunity to prove love.

In other words, you have an opportunity as a parent or as a leader
to show up in the life of a kid or teenager to give them rules that will help keep them safe physically and emotionally. But when they break a rule (and at some point they will), and you show up anyway, you communicate unconditional love.

That’s what God did. He gave the rules.
We broke them.
He showed up anyway.
It doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences. It doesn’t mean that there’s no place for correction or instruction. Of course, we want to help kids and teenagers learn from their experiences and make wise choices in the future. But it does mean that you should never punish them relationally. Regardless of what they’ve done, you still have the opportunity to show up to prove…

• You aren’t going anywhere. 

• They still matter.
• You will see them through the mess.

3. Try This

Mistakes are both healthy and inevitable. So how do we respond in a way that reinforces boundaries without risking the relationship?

• Decide in advance how you will respond. In tough moments, with emotions running high, it is so tempting to respond with words or actions that you may later regret. Have a family plan for what happens when rules are broken.

• Keep the relationship first. If we model permanent, life-long, nothing-you-can-do-will-keep-me-from-loving-you relationships, they will learn to do the same.
• Stick to the consequences.  Consequences are healthy. One of the best things you can do for your student is plan, implement, and stick with consequences.  When they apologize or we sense remorse, it is so tempting to say, “Oh alright, no consequences this time”, but remember that they are learning a principle that they will apply to more than one situation.
• Communicate the plan. An easy way to confirm that students understand expectations is have them repeat them back to you in the form of an “if/then” statement. For example: “If I get all A’s, then I will be allowed to have a sleepover.” “If I text after 10pm, then I will lose my phone for 1 week.”

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

Series: GAME ON (Oct.1st - Oct. 22nd)

1. We’re Teaching This

In any kind of competition or event, the winning is almost always connected to the amount of preparation. The practice and the skill building may not seem necessary in the moment, but when it’s Game On, those skills are what take us all the way. Daniel was a young Jewish boy who encountered his “Game On” moment over and over. Ultimately it was the preparation of his faith skills that helped him through the most difficult of moments.

Session 1 Summary: Captive (10/1)

Maybe when you think about the Bible it seems like an outdated, black and white history book. Maybe you have opened it, hoping for a life changing moment, and closed it without anything magical happening. We can’t forget that what we read isn’t always about what’s happening in our lives at that moment. It’s about building a foundation, preparing us for game time.  Daniel was a young Jewish boy in a tough spot. Armed only with his knowledge of scripture, Daniel’s life and faith flourished because he was prepared when it was Game On.

Session 2 Summary: The New Guy (10/8)

What is prayer? Why do we pray? What happens if you pray for something and it doesn’t work?

At some point or another, most of us have employed the ask-thank-ask for more strategy of praying.  At one of the scariest times in his life, Daniel prays a different way. Daniel chooses to focus on WHO God is instead of WHAT God can give him.  Through prayer, knowing God’s character and ability made all the difference for Daniel when it was Game On.

Session 3 Summary: Into the Lion’s Den (10/15)

Our faith can be a difficult thing to talk about. What if you use the wrong words? Or the right words in the wrong way? What if you don’t’ know all of the answers? It’s a lot of pressure! When Daniel was called to appear before the king, it was not his words that so distinguished him. It was the way he behaved even in a tough spot. Through his actions, Daniel earned the right to be heard. When our walk matches our talk, we gain influence and both become more powerful.

Session 4 Summary: It’s All in the Approach (10/22)

Sometimes, as Christians there’s a lot of pressure to always get it right—to live with a “checklist” of things in mind we should do for God.  We think, “If we do this, then God will be happy with me—this is worship.” Daniel understands that worship isn’t about accomplishments and chooses to worship God by being honest about both his successes and his failures.

2. Think About This

by Crystal Chiang

Your student experiences so many influences each day. They receive messages from you—their parents, teachers, other students, media, ministry leaders, coaches and a variety of other sources. Do you ever wonder what is getting in? Whose voice do they hear the loudest and who has the most impact on their actions?

Despite all of the noise in their lives, studies show that students largely develop their ideas about God at home. Believe it or not, they are still listening to you, and not just when you’re talking about spiritual things. They are listening intently when you talk to them AND when they hear you talk to other adults about money, relationships, faith, culture, and life choices.

As a teacher in a public high school, I often engaged students in conversations that sound like this:

Student: The RIGHT way of doing (money, politics, marriage, etc.) is _________.

Me: Why?

Student: Because it’s RIGHT.

Me: Why?

And eventually we would end up at the same place. Because that’s how their parents do it or say it should be done.  Nearly 100% of the time students expressed “their” opinions in what was clearly their parents’ language.

Students take their cues on how to live from their parents more often than anywhere else. This is particularly true when it comes to our faith. The spoken or unspoken posture that we take toward Scripture, prayer, service, and worship will ultimately be the model our students use as how things “should be done”.

So how can you leverage your influence as a parent without resorting to lecturing or re-preaching each Sunday’s sermon?

1. Partner with the student ministry that your teenager attends. Just because the sign out front says “students” doesn’t mean that you are unwelcome. In fact, both the church and the home are more effective when they choose to work on the same thing at the same time. Connect with your child’s small group leader, be proactive in determining what they are learning and how you can engage your student in conversation about that topic at home.
2. Be transparent about your own faith. Talking with your teenager about faith doesn’t mean that you have to have a perfect message prepared at all times. It also doesn’t mean you need to have all of the answers. It’s okay to be transparent with them about how and when you pray as well as what happens when you don’t receive an answer right away. If you spend time reading Scripture, do so in a place where they might see you or ask him/her what he/she thinks a certain passage means.
3. Ask your teen what he or she is learning. Silence doesn’t always mean inactivity. Students process spiritual information in different ways. Just because your teenage daughter doesn’t volunteer to tell you what she’s learning at church doesn’t mean she simply goes to see her friends. Often students simply do not know how to begin the conversation with their parents about spiritual matters. Simply opening the door can allow you to speak valuable words into their life. And remember, anytime you frame a question for your teenager, be willing to answer the question yourself. Your transparency opens the door to more transparency from them.

3. Try This

Here is an open-ended conversation starter to encourage dialogue between you and your child about faith. These can be asked at dinner, in the car, or anywhere that conversation flows easily. Remember to model the way by answering the question first and then asking your student.

• Week 1:  What do you appreciate about God?
• Week 2:  Where have you noticed God’s activity around you?
• Week 3:  How can we make God a bigger priority in our family? (This is a great time to make a commitment as a family. You can choose to pray together or at the same time each day, read scripture, or read a devotional together. )
• Week 4:  How can God use our family?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: FIGHTER (Sept. 10th - Sept. 24th)

1. We’re Teaching This

All families fight. It’s inevitable. We fight to be heard. We fight to get what we want. We fight for things to be fair. And oftentimes, the fighting leaves us in worse shape than before we started. But what if fighting didn’t have to be such a bad thing? What if fighting could leave us better than when we started? Maybe, instead of fighting for everything we want, we change our focus. What if we fought for the relationship with our parents and our siblings instead of against them? If that is the case, maybe a good fight is just what we need!

Session 1 Summary: Fight for Honor (9/10)

No family is perfect. We all know it. And sometimes we think that if we could just escape our family, everything would be great. But we can’t change our parents, and we can’t escape them. What we can do is change the relationship we have with them. The book of Ephesians gives us some insight into just how to do this, and it may not be what you might expect. So what can you do to be the fighter in your family?

Session 2 Summary: Fight for the Relationship (9/17)

Most fights come down to one thing: Perspective. Often what we want for ourselves isn’t what our parents want for us and this can cause some serious tension. So what do we do when we can’t see eye-to-eye with them? The Bible reminds us that the way we handle our parents when we aren’t getting what we want has to do with more than just our relationship with them; it’s a reflection of our relationship with God. Because when we turn our hearts towards our parents, we find ourselves moving closer to God as well.

Session 3 Summary: Fight for Acceptance (9/24)

Jesus had some powerful things to say about how we relate to our enemies. And sometimes it feels like our greatest enemies are the ones who live under our own roof. While sibling rivalry may feel like a 24/7 challenge to you now, some day the relationships with your brothers and sisters may be the most important ones in your life. So how do you get there? How do you make the move to fight for those future relationships?

2. Think About This

“It’s not you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.” Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.

In an article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on edge. For students, much is on the line. They know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who, they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders, feeling helpless in their position.

Apter continues, “Teens get so heated in arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the child the parent thinks she knows…teens expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”

In other words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.

As much as they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even if met with little to no appreciation.

Instead of making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict

3. Try This

• Your teenager is well on their way to being an adult. Their communication skills are not. Be patient.
• Make the goal in fighting to resolve the fight—not just be right.
• Don’t escalate the drama. Refrain from the urge to pay back in kind their hurtful comments and emotional reactions.
• Address one issue at a time. Don’t let one argument become a venting session for all the ways you feel they have been disrespecting you. Remember, you want to resolve the issue, not keep score.
• Don’t forget, it won’t be like this forever. Hang in there!

http://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/how-to-fight-fair-with-your-teen/

http://howtoparentateen.wordpress.com/2012/01/28/teenager-arguing-with-parents/

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: WALK AWAY (June 18th - July 9th)

1. We’re Teaching This

All of us, at one time or another, have dealt with—or will deal with—the temptation to walk away from Christianity or Jesus Himself. Thankfully, we are not alone. In fact, one of Jesus’ more famous disciples, Peter, faced the same issues we do—wrestling with guilt, doubt, and difficult dynamics with other people. But what Peter chose to do can offer us some hope in our own faith journey. Peter hung in there—he didn’t walk away, and as a result, his life was never the same.

Week 1 Summary: Denied (6/18)

Maybe when you think about being a Christian, certain things come to mind of what you shouldn’t do or be. But you can’t ever seem to get it together. And even though you know what you should be, the feeling of guilt from falling short over and over again is overwhelming. Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples was familiar with the same kind of feeling, which could have caused him to walk away. But Peter didn’t walk away and you don’t have to either.

Week 2 Summary: Sunk (6/24)

The apostle Peter was known for doing some big things—good big things, and other things not so praiseworthy. But what Peter got right was the ability to step out—literally and figuratively. Accepting Jesus’ invitation to step out of the boat and walk on the water, Peter did what no other disciple did. But when he took his eyes off Jesus, he lost focus and started to sink. How did Peter react? How would we react? What happens when fear starts to take over? Do we walk away or are we able to recover?

Week 3 Summary: Real People (7/9)

Peter was one the biggest figures of the church in an exciting time, but also a challenging one. People had big questions, strong opinions and conflicting ideas about what the church should look like—and not everyone liked where Peter stood. Other people can sometimes be a bigger stumbling block than anything else when it comes to following Jesus. So what do you do when other people are what’s holding up your faith? What do you do when you want to get to Jesus but others seem to be in the way? How do you stick around and not walk away?

2. Think About This

By Karen Stubbs

There seems to be a growing trend these days to walk away—from relationships, circumstances, and challenging situations. Some reasons are legitimate, and some are just from the unwillingness to see things through.

Let’s face it. Walking away—most of the time—is easier. But allowing our kids to do this is missing an opportunity to teach them a valuable lesson. So, how do we encourage them to stick with something—when everything in them protests? 

As parents, influence is a must—and something to work hard for. In this case, to motivate them to stick with something, you must meet them where they are. Get inside your student’s brain by understanding they do not think like you do. In addition, while you may feel a sense of urgency about their situation and the desired response you have for them, that doesn’t mean they do. So be careful how you communicate your desires. In other words, a key to motivating is to take the emotion out of the motivation. In fact, not doing this can ultimately can lead to a loss of influence with your student.  

Instead of lecturing as a means of motivating, try modeling this idea of sticking with it in your parenting style. Lay down a plan and then step back, allowing the consequences to play out—good or bad. In other words, when your students watch you show persistence and consistency in how you parent them, they are witnessing the desired behavior for them, in you. Your ability to stick with a plan matters for their own growth and integrity—they feel they can trust you when you say you will do something—whether that following through benefits them, or not.

But this idea matters in more than just how it directly affects your students. Because while it may not feel like it, our kids are watching the way we handle the things life throws our way—apart from them—that create a personal urge to call it quits. Challenging relationships, inconvenient commitments, and difficult circumstances give us, as parents, regular opportunities to bail and to walk away ourselves. But I wonder what would happen if our kids saw us stick with something—even though the alternative would be much easier? I wonder what they would observe and how our behavior would influence them if they watched us—in the more difficult situations of our life—refuse to call it quits? It could be that what our kids so desperately need to learn is better taught not from the words coming out of our mouths, but from the personal decisions we make in our own lives to keep on, to continue, to persist and to not walk away.

3. Try This

Here are a few ways you can communicate in your conversations with your students when they want to walk away.

• Empathize with your student. This isn’t agreeing with poor choices, but acknowledging that you understand and hear your student. Communicate you are listening by saying thing like:

·         “I understand how that makes you feel.”

·         “ I can see where you are coming from.”

·         “You are right to feel that life isn’t fair, it’s not.”

• Assure your student of the things that are true.

·         Tell your child you are for them—even if you disagree with what they want to do.

·         Tell your child you love them, no matter what.

·         Tell your child that you will help them in any way you can as their parent to help them achieve their goals.

• Encourage your student with stories from your own life.

·         Share a time in your life when you wanted to give up—but didn’t—and how glad you were that you stuck with it.

·         Share a time when you did walk away, but regretted it later.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

Series: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET (May 28th - June 11th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

Jesus seemed to make it pretty simple when it comes to what following Him would be all about: love God and love others as you love yourself. But this simple command gets a lot more complicated when we don't see God, ourselves and others as we should. When we don't see rightly, we don't live rightly. So, how do we fix our broken view? How do we start living in a way that reflects Jesus' intensions for our lives, and see the world the way we should? What we see is what we get. So, how do we see the right way?

Week 1 Summary: Simple (May 28th)

We all have a picture of who God is. And whether it’s positive or negative, the way we see God often shapes the way we experience Him—and most especially the way we relate to His greatest commandment: to love Him with all our heart. So how do we change our view? How do we start to see God the right way so we can begin to love Him, as He first loved us?

Week 2 Summary: Famous (June 4^th)

Every one of us wants to know the answer to this question: Do I matter? We look for it from our friends, our parents, social media and sometimes even from strangers. But what happens when we choose to stop looking at everyone else to tell us that we matter and start looking to the One who calls us His own? Because if we’re going to get the second part of the greatest commandment right, we’ve got to begin seeing ourselves as God sees us.

Week 3 Summary: The Side of the Road (June 11th)

If we were honest, I think many of us would admit, we tend to see ourselves as the center of the universe.  We see people in light of what they can do for us, instead of what we can do for them. But in the Great Commandment, Jesus makes it clear that our call as Christians is to love our neighbor. So, who is our neighbor? And, how do we love them? Thankfully, Jesus doesn't just tell us what to do, He tells us what this looks like. 

2. Be a Student of Your Student

No matter how old we get, the need for acceptance never goes away. Consciously or not, we are all drawn to the places and people where we feel absolutely and unconditionally welcomed, approved and believed in. But there may be no other time in life where the pull to feel this acceptance is as strong as the teenage years.

One motivational youth speaker puts it this way, “Acceptance is never more important than during the teen and preteen years – when they are clamoring, ever so awkwardly, toward adulthood and on their way to the summit of self-actualization (their true potential)” (http://www.pinkshoehero.org/2012/11/12/unconditional-acceptance/).

This may not be new information, but as parents to teenagers, it is critical information. As our students approach ages where the need for acceptance is felt more acutely than ever before, the stakes are higher than ever. Because if we aren’t offering the acceptance our teenagers are desperate for, they won’t just live without it—they will look elsewhere for it.

Which is why it is so important that our kids feel the acceptance they need from us primarily. But before addressing what acceptance may look like, let’s talk about what it is not. Acceptance of our students doesn’t have to mean approval of unwise choices. In the article “The Importance of Unconditional Self Acceptance” from the parenting website The Kids Are Alright, the point is made this way: “Accepting a teenager unconditionally doesn’t mean you have to accept their reasoning, the premise of what they’re saying, their poor behavior or bad attitude, their disrespect, their playing the victim card, or their oft-times poor sense of judgment … But the simple act of showing them that you accept them for who they are, as a person – their weaknesses, strengths and all – is the first step to helping them build their own self-acceptance” (http://www.thekidsareallright.com.au/2013/parenting/self-esteem-unconditional-self-acceptance/).

In addition, acceptance, from our end as parents, should not be a reaction. We shouldn’t be taking our cues from our teenagers and gauging how to respond to them based off of how they are treating us. In fact, the opposite is true. Though this is a stage of life where they may be naturally pulling away and sending every nonverbal (or verbal) message of how they don’t want us around, this is the time when our communicated acceptance is the most crucial. In offering this, even when your student is communicating something different, you are creating the space for change in their behavior to happen. And whether their behavior changes or not, creating a place where they feel accepted is always a good idea.

So, how do we begin showing unconditional acceptance to our teenagers in actual, tangible ways? How do we put our “I love you” in a language they can really understand?

3. Action Point

Social scientists John DeFrain and Nick Stinnett asked 1,500 kids, “What do you think makes a family happy?” What was their most frequent answer? Doing things together.                                                                                            

Here is a list of seven creative ways parents can demonstrate their love and acceptance to their children.

1.  Plan to hang out with your student once a month—and let them choose the activity.

2.  Kidnap them unexpectedly for a walk or a meal.

3.  Write something encouraging on a Post-it-note and stick it on their bedroom door.

4.  Spend an hour listening to their favorite music or watching their favorite TV show with them.

5.  Find something about your child’s appearance to compliment. 

6.  Do one of their chores for them.

7.  Sit down with your child and start asking questions … and then listen to them.

Pick one—or all seven—and be intentional this week about showing your student that you love and accept them, just the way they are.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

Series: LET IT GO (April 30th-May14th)

1. Be a Student of What They are Learning

“I just can’t let it go.” “They don’t deserve to be forgiven.” “It hurts too much to move on.” Maybe you’ve heard your students say something like this in the midst of pain, frustration and anger towards someone who has hurt them—or maybe you’ve said or thought something similar yourself. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt us is never easy. So why does it matter so much that we do it? How do we know when we should do it? And how do we know we have actually healed from the pain an offense has caused? How do we simply let it go?

Week 1 Summary: The Grudge (April 30th)

At some point in all of our lives, we will come face-to-face with a very tough decision—whether or not to forgive. And while sometimes the idea of getting revenge seems right in the moment, in the long run, the only person it truly hurts is us. So if holding on to a grudge isn’t the best thing for us, what are we supposed to do? And who is ultimately responsible for making it right?

Week 2 Summary: It’s Not Fair (May 7th)

“We all want forgiveness. And—at one point or another—we all need it. But we aren’t always as willing to give it out as we are to accept it. Thankfully, the Bible tells us that God doesn’t measure our sins to see what is forgivable and what isn’t. He doesn’t say, “yes” to some things and “no” to others. So, if God is able to forgive every offense, what does it look like for us to do the same? What does it look like for us to take the forgiveness we have received and pass it on to other people who don’t deserve it—other people just like us?

Week 3 Summary: Little Brother (May 14th)

Your students have chosen to forgive. And they’ve actually done it! At least, they think they have, until the same old feelings come creeping up all over again. And suddenly, the freedom of letting go becomes more about coping than actually forgiving and moving on. So what do we do to move past coping to actually healing? How do we put our pain in the right perspective—God’s—so we can truly forgive and let it go?

2. Be a Student of Your Student

I can think of multiple times in my life when I’ve been in an emotional stand off with someone over something they did or said—or maybe something they didn’t say or didn’t do. Taking the first steps towards getting back on good terms is simple enough—in theory. But saying the words “I’m sorry” often feels like it costs too much. So, too often we choose silence in the hopes that time will fix it, instead of intentional reconciliation.

Unfortunately, not apologizing can be costly—maybe even especially to the relationship with our teenagers. Maybe sometimes you don’t want to apologize because you know that they are the one who did something wrong. Maybe in reaction to something your son did, you lashed out and said something that was a little harsh—but you excused it because his behavior was completely unacceptable. Or maybe you found yourself sneaking through bedroom drawers just to squelch some rising suspicions and it really broke your daughter’s trust—but you were justified in what you did, so an apology seems unnecessary. You didn’t do anything outside of your parental rights, per se, but your son or daughter feels hurt, betrayed or angry.

Saying I’m sorry can be so hard. Admitting you’re wrong, or that you even had a small part in an argument or bad situation, can physically hurt sometimes. It doesn’t sit well. On the other hand, when someone has apologized to you, or you have made the first step towards reconciliation, something distinct and compelling happens. There is a sense of relief, of vulnerability and calm. All from simply saying—or hearing—“I’m sorry.”

What is it about an apology that can be so powerful—both for the receiver of the apology and the one actually apologizing?

To understand this a bit more, we want to share some excerpts from an article entitled “The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it’s worth it, on both ends” by Beverly Engel featured in Psychology Today in June 2013, and taken from the book The Power of Apology by Beverly Engel: (To read the full article, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200208/the-power-apology.)

As you read, try to focus on the bolded words—on what giving an apology does—and try to imagine these action words taking place in the context of your relationship with your son or daughter:

“Apology has the ability to disarm others of their anger and to prevent further misunderstandings. While an apology cannot undo harmful past actions, if done sincerely and effectively, it can undo the negative effects of those actions … Apologizing helps us remain emotionally connected to our friends and loved ones.…

So, the next time you find yourself in a stand off with your spouse, a co-worker a friend or even your son or daughter, remember that more is on the line than just your pride and sense of justice. The future relationship, the ability to stay connected to and vulnerable with that person is on the line too. The words “I’m sorry” may be hard to say, but they are always worth the effort!

3. Action Point

The action point for this series is pretty straightforward: Apologize to your student.

But sometimes this is easier said than done. So what are some characteristics of a meaningful apology?

First of all, admit that you are truly sorry for the hurt or damage you caused. It’s easy with our students to unintentionally do or say something that they take personally. And even though we don’t always mean things the way they hear or experience them, the hurt that can be caused is still real to them. So, while you may not have meant to be hurtful, recognizing that someone else was hurt by your actions is incredibly important.

Secondly, a sincere and powerful apology includes an acceptance of responsibility. This may seem like the same thing as admitting you are sorry for the hurt you caused. But it actually takes this idea of admittance one step further. When you accept responsibility, you are not making excuses for what you did, which often has the effect of negating the apology. It’s like when your student says, “I’m really sorry that I dented the car, but the other driver was way too close to me and I couldn’t see them well out of my side mirror.” Too many excuses cloud a good apology with a message of “It really wasn’t my fault.” For an apology to be meaningful and sincere, you have to communicate that you take full responsibility for your actions.

And lastly, there should always be something in your apology that shows you have a desire to remedy the situation. You obviously can’t go back and undo what was done—or not done—but you can offer a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen again. So, if you’ve missed your son’s basketball game … again … and he is really hurt and angry, make a plan and offer a promise to get to one of his upcoming games. And then do it! An empty promise will only make the hurt deeper, so don’t promise what you can’t deliver. But be sure to offer some sort of a plan of action so that your son or daughter knows that you will work towards not repeating the action that hurt them in the first place.

Take some time to think through what a meaningful apology might look like for your son or daughter. And then, go say the words that make all the difference in the world—I’m sorry.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.