Series: COMPARISON TRAP (Sept. 16th-Sept.30th)

We’re Teaching This:

On a scale of one to ten, how do you measure up? Are you tall enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? And on that scale, which number represents enough? Do you have to score a ten or will a solid seven do? How about a five? It’s better than average, right? Most of us measure how we’re doing by how everyone else is doing. Not a day goes by that we’re not tempted to glance to our left and to our right to see how we measure up to the people around us. This is especially true at school. We see everyone else’s grades, clothes, athletic ability, talent, and popularity. And it’s easy to feel like we don’t measure up.  So we adjust course, try harder, spend more, and then compare again. It's exhausting. In this 3-part series, Andy Stanley explores the difficult—but not impossible—challenge of escaping The Comparison Trap.

Session 1 Summary: The Land Of Er (9/16)

Have you ever heard of a win-win outcome? Comparison is the opposite of that.  When we look to our left and our right to compare ourselves to others, we are engaging in a lose-lose activity. And, we may not even realize how destructive it is. Being smart-er or funny-er or awesome-er may feel like a short-term win, but for ourselves, our friends, and our family, comparison is a game with no winners. King Solomon was wise-er  (not to mention rich-er, cool-er, and powerful-er) than anyone around him. And what he says about all of it may come as a surprise. Through his words we find that real satisfaction may not come from winning the game of comparison, but from bowing out of the competition altogether.

Session 2 Summary: Looking Around (9/23)

Who is the one person you’d love to hear say, “you’re awesome”?  Is it your dad? A coach? A sibling? A teammate? We all have a tendency to look toward other people when we want to know if we’re okay. And if we’re honest, most of us have a nagging suspicion that we fall short no matter how hard we try. It’s human nature to look for approval, but what if we’ve been looking in the wrong place? God has something to say about whether we’re okay, whether we “measure up”. And it may not be what you think. As we take a closer look, His opinion of us may provide something we haven't yet found comparing ourselves to others.

Session 3 Summary: It’s In The Bag (9/30)

Have you ever looked at someone else and thought, “Does he/she have more ______ than me?” Comparison is being caught in the trap of constantly asking how we measure up to others.  “Do they have more money than me?” “Do they get more attention from others?” “Are they more talented than me?” We preoccupy ourselves with these questions, but God has a better plan. Jesus was a great storyteller. He used the story of three servants, each entrusted with a certain amount of money, to illustrate the question God would have us ask—a question that will free us from the comparison trap once and for all.

Think About This:

Parenting is hard. We probably knew going in that it wouldn’t always be a walk in the park. But, as a parent, have you noticed there are some curve balls that you just don’t know how to handle?

Chances are, you knew your kids were going to be different from one another. But it’s also likely you had no idea just how different they could be until you started raising them—until they hit a certain age and suddenly what you assumed would be true of one of your kids because it was true of an older one—just isn’t. Sometimes it feels like you have to learn how to parent all over again with each child. And sometimes not just with each child, but through each life-stage your children experience.

We may not do it on purpose, but there is a tendency to compare that comes so naturally and so easily. We bring attention to the ways our students are different from their siblings, their friends, our friends, and even earlier versions of themselves. It’s so tempting to say, “But why can’t you just be like______?” The problem is, comparison rarely works. It doesn’t make students want to try harder and it can often lead to resentment toward the parents and the sibling with whom they’re compared. Even within the family, there is no win in comparison.

Sameness isn’t even really a goal worth shooting for. Maybe there are traits in one of your children that you’d like the others to take on. That’s great, but you probably don’t want them to be exact replicas. A better goal is to be intentional in learning, studying, and celebrating the personality and wiring of each individual child.

Try This

No one wants to feel like they don’t measure up. Especially not in the place where they want to feel the safest and most secure. Work on making your family and your home the place where who your child is celebrated and not compared.

This week, point out something in your teenager that you appreciate. Find something that you have seen grow and develop in them that is a strength and then tell them how proud of them you are.

Then find something that, at first glance, feels like something you would change—that you would compare to someone else and wish away. And then find a way to leverage it. To see the good in it. For example,

• “I know I’m often on your case about talking too much in class, but I want you to know that I also love how social you are. You are great at managing a lot of friendships.”
• “I know that I get upset when you fight with your younger brother, but I also recognize that you’re just trying to get him to act in a way that is more socially acceptable. Thanks for wanting to help him.”
• “Yesterday we had an argument about playing guitar instead of cleaning your room. While I still want you to have a clean room, I’m also really proud of you for working so hard to learn to play the guitar well.”

Finding a way to celebrate something you had vocally been frustrated over in the past will mean more than you can imagine to your student. Don’t underestimate the value of your affirmation.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

Series: BUILD (June 3rd - June 17th)

We’re Teaching This:

What is the biggest challenge you’ve ever faced? Maybe it’s a basketball game against your archrival. Maybe it’s passing your math class. Maybe it’s just trying to get up and go to school on time. Whatever it is, you’re probably familiar with the little knot that forms in your stomach. The nerves. The feeling of being completely overwhelmed. The Bible tells the story of a guy named Nehemiah who was all too familiar with that feeling. In fact, it isn’t just one story—there’s a whole book in the Bible named after him. Growing up in service to a king in Babylon and then Persia, Nehemiah probably didn’t think his life would make much of a story. But when he learns that his family’s homeland is in ruins, something changes in Nehemiah. He decides to do something about it—to go there. To build. Nehemiah decided to face, head-on, the God-sized challenge of rebuilding the wall surrounding Jerusalem and creating a safe place for his people. And through his story, we may just find the tools we need to face the challenge of improving our town or our school. It’s time to build.   

Session 1 Summary: Home Sweet Home (6/3)

Think about where you live for a minute. Do you like it there? And what about your school? Is it the perfect place to be or are there some things you wish you could change? It’s easy for the place we live and go to school feel like a placeholder—somewhere that we wait for our real life, as an adult, to begin.  Maybe you’ve never thought about it before now, but what if God placed you there on purpose?  What if there was a reason for you to live where you live and know who you know? Nehemiah found himself in a similar situation. Growing up in a country where he didn’t fit in probably didn’t make Nehemiah feel like he had any real purpose or that God was even paying attention.  But as he began to pray, Nehemiah discovered that couldn’t be farther from the truth. In fact, his situation was anything but random. And as we take a closer look at his story, we discover that, like Nehemiah, where we live may matter more than we ever dreamed. It may just be the exactly where God has positioned us to become part of a much bigger Story.

Session 2 Summary: Against the Wall (6/10)

Paralyzed. Have you ever felt that way at the beginning of a big project? Maybe it was a research paper or presentation for your class. Maybe it was cleaning up your room after a sleepover with your friends. Or maybe it’s something even bigger than that. Maybe you dream of doing something big with you life—something that matters. But the idea of actually doing it is really intimidating. You aren’t sure where to start. So it just seems easier to plan on back away slowly.  Big results require big actions—and you just don’t feel ready for that. Nehemiah faced a similar challenge—he wanted to do something, felt called to do something that seemed nearly impossible. But what Nehemiah didn’t let the fear take over. He didn’t stand, paralyzed, on the sideline. Instead, he discovered that the most important step might also be the smallest – the first step.

Session 3 Summary: Get a Job (6/17)

52 days. It’s not a long time. Less than two months. Less than half a season of your favorite tv series. Less than two units in your chemistry class. That’s how long it took Nehemiah to build a wall around his entire city—not with cranes, but with bricks and human hands. It’s really amazing. But Nehemiah didn’t do it alone. There are lists in the Bible of different people, different families who pitched in. Some of them used their specific talents. Others just jumped in where they were needed. And, in doing so, they became a picture of what the Church was meant to be. People of various talents and abilities working toward one goal—unique but unified. And we have the opportunity to do the same – to work as one body, toward one goal. As we do, we may just discover that we are becoming the people we were meant to be all along.

Think About This:

Where did you grow up? Was it a small town with little to do outside of farming. Or was it a big city with tall buildings and a public transit system? Or something in between? No matter where you grew up, one thing is for sure—it still affects you. Whether its in our taste for certain types of food, our comfort level with certain groups of people, or the dialect with which we speak, there are always traces of where we grew up tucked in the folds of our personality. And that’s a great thing! Environment is one of the things that God uses to mold us into unique individuals.

But does your student know that?

The reality is, life begins long before you move out on your own. Not only does their current town profoundly shape them, but it’s also the first place students will have the opportunity to invest themselves—to care, or to serve others. It’s the first place they learn to assign value to the people around them. What students learn in their hometown will be what they carry into every town after that.

So if our hometown is so important, why is it that so many of us get the idea that the real-world exists after high-school? And how can we teach our students to make the most of their time here?

Focus on now. College is coming. The real world is coming. But for today, your student is right here. While it’s important to talk about the future, we also need to fight the urge to talk only about what comes next.  The truth is, if your student is in high school, he or she already has a limited amount of time left in your home and possibly in your town. By teaching them to use this time wisely and value the impact they can have right now, we are also teaching them a principle that they will take into their future. The principle of caring for where you live. 

Try This

As parents, it’s easy to talk about the glory days of college or our experiences when we moved out on our own. Those stories are often more exciting or have better morals to them. But, even in our well meaning way, we sometimes accidentally communicate that our lives didn’t start until after we left home.

Try sharing a story of what it was like growing up where you lived as a student. Was it a big city or a small town? Was there a lot to do or were you often bored? Most importantly, in what ways does your hometown shape who you are today? As you share, you may just find your student starting to value his or her own experience more exactly where they are.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

Series: SHADOWLAND (May 13th - June 3rd)

We’re Teaching This:

Have you ever turned on the news only to wish you hadn’t? Or answered a phone call only to wish you could un-hear the news on the other end? Whether it’s a global disaster, a school shooting, our parents’ divorce, or the death of a friend, there’s nothing fun about learning of a tragedy. It can make us feel like we are walking through a shadowland—where nothing seems quite right and there are more questions than answers. What do we say? What do we do? What happens next? And, how long will it take? At some point, we will all face a shadowland, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay there. There is a way through to the other side of tragedy, to healing. But getting there means we have to trust the One who is leading us.

Session 1 Summary: The First Step (5/13)

What now? It’s the big question that we all ask when we find ourselves in a shadowland of tragedy. There’s no textbook for it, at least not one we’ve read. We don’t know where to go. And we don’t know what to do next. How are we supposed to respond when a tragedy strikes? Some of Jesus’ closest friends faced the same questions when their brother died. When Jesus comes to them in the middle of their shadowland, we see Him respond in a way that is both surprising and incredibly helpful as we begin to move forward in tragedy.

Session 2 Summary: Leave Me Alone (5/20)

Have you ever broken a bone? Had surgery? Needed physical therapy? If so, you know that recovery often takes longer that we think it will. The same is true as someone close to us recovers from a tragedy. It takes a lot longer than we think. And most of the time, we aren’t sure how to respond. What should we say? How should we act? What can we do when nothing seems to help? In the story of Naomi and Ruth, we find a beautiful example of how one friend helps another make it to the other side of tragedy. And, in their story, we find that friends, not fixers, can be just what God uses to heal those walking through a shadowland.

Session 3 Summary: Drop the Anchor (6/3)

So where is God when tragedy strikes? It’s a question you can’t help asking. Facing a tragedy, big or small, can shake anyone’s faith. Suddenly, nothing is certain. Nothing feels safe. And we wonder where God is and whether He has abandoned us in a shadowland. As the confusion of tragedy swirls around us, we all need something to hold on to. An anchor. In the words of the Apostle Paul, spoken from the middle of a shadowland, we learn a truth that can steady us in times of tragedy. And if we hold on tight, we may find that it’s just what we need to help us move forward.

Think About This:

Good grief. Is there really such a thing? Is there any way on earth that grieving can be good? Intellectually, we may say yes. We remember enough from our psychology class to know that grieving is helpful—but watching your child experience grief is a different story. Whether they’re mourning the loss of a pet, a family divorce, or something on a much larger scale, silently standing by as your student grieves can feel counterintuitive

In his article, Dealing with Tragedy and Loss, pastor Steve Wiens says it this way:  “When we encounter others who are in pain, we do not know what to do. We do not know how to comfort them. And so we say things to make a really awkward moment less awkward… which is understandable, but not helpful. These responses don't help someone who is in deep pain:

"God must have needed another angel in heaven."
"At least he's no longer suffering."
"Everything happens for a reason."

The problem is that most of us don’t know what to say or do for our teen. There’s no manual for it. So what should we do to help our student navigate the grieving process?

• Be Quiet. Like most grieving people, students need less words than we think. A hug and a simple, “I’m sorry” can be more comforting than trying to fill the silence with explanations or pep talks.
• Be Available. For students, grief comes in waves. It can be tricky for parents who think their teen is fine only to find them grieving weeks or months after a tragedy. So, no matter what happens and no matter how long it takes, be available. Tell them that you’re there to listen days after the event, months later, and even years down the road. Knowing you’re in it for the long-haul can help a teen feel stable even when the world around them is not.

Based on resources from How to Help a Grieving Teen by the Dougy Center and Dealing With Tragedy And Loss by Steve Wiens.

Try This

When a student is experiencing tragedy, on a large or small scale, it can be difficult for a parent to know what to do or what to say. This is a great time to look for an outside resource—a source of wisdom that can give you some context for what to expect from your student.

• Try reaching out to another parent who has been through a similar situation. You don’t have to meet over dinner, just email or call and ask a simple question. You can say something like this, “I know you’ve been in a similar position. What were some things that you learned or some things that surprised you while your teenager was grieving?”
  
  
• Do your homework. There are some great resources out there to help parents learn to cope with students who are grieving. Check out the grief resources from the Dougy Center here http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-teens/.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.