1.
Be a Student of What They are Learning
One of the hardest
lessons in life is learning how to deal with regret. And one of the most
valuable lessons is learning how to avoid it altogether. In every choice our
students make, they have the power to walk down two roads: I wish I had or I’m glad I
did. And when they understand that God will be with them in the midst of
every decision they make, every moment of pressure they feel and even those
times when they don’t make the best decision and have to deal with the sting of
regret, they can walk through life with courage and discover who God has
created them to be.
Session 1: Get Smart (April
2nd)
We all have regrets—decisions we wish
we could take back. And sometimes we get the chance to realize the benefits of
a good decision. So what makes the difference between the two? And what does
Jesus have to say that can help us have less “I wish I had” moments and more
“I’m glad I did” ones?
Session 2: Are You Listening? (April
9th)
Last week we learned that following Jesus’ words is more than just
spiritual, it’s smart. But how do we actually live those words out? Maybe the
secret ingredient to living a life with more “I’m glad I did” moments is less
about us and more about listening—to other people. Because when we listen, we
learn. And when we listen to wise people, we learn to live wisely.
Session 3: An Ounce of Courage (April
16th)
Fear is a game-changer. It can stop us dead in our tracks and keep
us from missing out on all God has in store for us. But when we trust God to
take care of us, fear won’t have the chance to stop us from experiencing more I’m glad I did moments. So what do we need to find the courage
to keep moving forward? And where are the places that we need that courage
today?
2.
Be a Student of Your Student
The teenage brain can often feel like a complete
mystery. But some exciting research is pinpointing the growth and development
of the adolescent brain and helping us get a better understanding of why
teenagers can seem at once so mature and capable and conversely so quick to
make really poor decisions.
A recent article in Harvard Magazine entitled “A WORK IN PROGRESS: The Teen Brain” by Debra
Bradley Ruder (September-October
2008) sheds some light on the development of
the adolescent brain:
“Human and animal studies, Jensen and Urion note,
have shown that the brain grows and changes continually in young people—and
that it is only about 80 percent developed in adolescents. The largest part,
the cortex, is divided into lobes that mature from back to front. The last
section to connect is the frontal lobe, responsible for cognitive processes
such as reasoning, planning, and judgment. Normally this mental merger is not
completed until somewhere between ages 25 and 30—much later than these two
neurologists were taught in medical school … For his part, Urion believes
programs aimed at preventing risky adolescent behaviors would be more effective
if they offered practical strategies for
making in-the-moment decisions, rather than merely lecturing teens about the behaviors themselves. (‘I have yet
to meet a pregnant teenager who didn’t know biologically how this transpired,’
he says.)” (To read the full article,
go to http://harvardmagazine.com/2008/09/the-teen-brain.html.)
While the science behind how
the adolescent brain works is groundbreaking, the big takeaway is how we can
help our students navigate good decision-making strategies. This starts on the
front end. Take the time to talk to your students—to get inside their heads and
lives—and understand the pressures, temptations and struggles people their age
are dealing with. And then, help them talk and think through some good
strategies for dealing with those pressures and temptations. (Note: Your
student may be reluctant to talk about their personal struggles, but more willing to talk about the struggles of
those in their peer group or age). Doing this doesn’t mean there won’t still be
some major mess-ups or an occasional need to push the reset button, but this is
a great place to start.
And when those moments do happen, making us scratch our heads—wondering
how they could’ve made such a poor decision, gotten involved in such a bad
crowd or simply been so naïve—our reaction matters. In that moment, we have a
very important decision to make. And it’s one that can help or hurt our
relationship with our student.
While flying off the handle
may feel like the natural and appropriate response, when you stop, listen and
keep your emotions under control, you create an opportunity for your student to
open up to you, not only in the moment, but in the future as well. More than
that, your student is watching your body language, and taking note of the tone
of your voice, gauging the message you are sending non-verbally as well as
verbally. Something as simple as crossing your arms and clenching your jaw as
they unload can communicate a message you may not be intending. Your reaction
trains them, whether you realize it or not, how to come to you—or not come to
you—the next time they mess up. You have the opportunity to create a safe
space, giving the relationship breathing room and creating an opportunity for
more than a lecture, but for real growth.
3.
Action Point/Tip
So, how can you work at helping your student
navigate the regret they might feel after they’ve made a poor choice or a bad
decision?
First, create a tentative plan on how to react when
your student comes to you with some less than favorable news. What do you
want to be sure to communicate? What do you want to be sure not to
communicate? If you’re married, talk to your spouse and make sure that you
are both on the same page about how you will react.
And remember, you don’t only communicate through
your words. What other ways can you communicate care and understanding—your
tone of voice, your body language, your emotions? At this stage in the
game, parenting is less about control and authority and more about coaching and
influence. How can your reaction to your teenager in a tense moment be more
coaching-oriented than control-oriented?
More than anything, what
students need to know and hear—though they may never vocalize it themselves—is
that they are loved. No matter what. Chances are, whatever your student has
done that they feel regret over, they also feel guilt over, and are fearful of
rejection from you because of their actions. Creating a plan on how to
communicate your love and acceptance to your student regardless of what they do
or don’t do will ultimately set you up for success when they demonstrate some
less than desirable behavior.
